Sincerely, Light
by Kit-Pocket
Summary: Dear Ryuzaki. You suck." Light's complaints about L, and L's response. Inspired by SekushiAi's Sincerely, Matt.
1. Sincerely, Light

This is inspired by SekushiAi's **Sincerely, Matt** and **Sincerely, Mello**. (Said fanfics are absolutely _beautiful_, by the way, I definitely recommend them.) My version consists of L and Light, and is much less serious--and is also submitted as only one story, as L's letter is a direct response to Light's, and you _need_ to read Light's first. Posting them together is a bit of... well... a precaution, if you will.

Rating: T for suggestive material

Series: Death Note

I own: nothing.

--

_Dear Ryuzaki. _

_I recently heard about an anger management exercise where you write an angry letter to someone and not send it. Since you've been a tempest on my nerves recently, I thought I ought to try it._

_So, let's start over._

_Dear Ryuzaki._

_You suck._

_Never in my life have I encountered someone as infuriating as you. Do you realize, Ryuzaki, how often you insist on bringing up your little Kira theories? I counted. _

_Do you know how often you accused me of being Kira yesterday? 57 times._

_Sure, you didn't say them all outright. But you can make even the licking of a donut—which is disgusting, by the way, and I saw you give it to Matsuda later—into an accusation of me being Kira. _

_And there's no way for me to defend myself! If I protest, I'm being defensive, which means I'm Kira. If I don't say anything, it's practically a confession. And lord knows what you'd do if sarcasm came into the mix._

_Sometimes I think you want to kill me. Is that why you accuse me of being Kira? So I'll get the death penalty? Then once it turns out I'm not Kira, go 'oops, well, too late now' and just go back to your little throne in the magical realm of Justice. I can see you doing that._

_I remember, when my father put on that charade, how he said that you'd take your own life if it turned out you were wrong. Looking back on that, that sounds a little extreme, even for you—no, especially for you. I can't see you killing yourself over that, unless being proved wrong is __**that**__ horrifying in your eyes. _

_Once, when I was lying next to you in bed, slowly drifting into slumber, I thought: Maybe he'd do it because he felt guilty. Or maybe he would miss me._

_Laughed that one off pretty quick. _

_Another reason you suck, other than the Kira theories, is this: you can't. Stop. Eating!_

_Your chewing, munching, gulping, smacking—swallow, swallow, swallow, it drives me up the wall! You're a noisy eater, has anyone ever told you that? And normally this wouldn't bother me, because some people can't help the noises they make. But, oh, no, it's not just your body making those noises. You decide to chip in._

_You make sound effects to your food. You grab sugar cubes and stick them in your mouth, going "glomp, glomp, glomp" with each one. And I know you know you do this, because there's a little smile on your lips afterwards. A small, silent giggle. What a child you are! What an insolent, annoying, little brat!_

_Even more childish is your menu. Have you ever eaten __**anything**__ not loaded with sugar? Cake, ice cream, cookies, marshmallows, that big bowl of whipped cream you took to bed with you once… It goes on and on and on!_

_How are you not overweight? Better yet, how are your arteries not clogged to the point of a heart attack? They'd blame Kira at first, but then: Oh, wait; he ate a couple of pies this morning!_

_News flash, Ryuzaki: being thin doesn't make you healthy. I'd call you a bulimic if I weren't with you night and day._

_Speaking of which. Reason number three._

_You suck because, if you'll forgive me the innuendo, I think you're gay. _

_Honestly. A __**chain**__? To your __**wrist**__?_

_There were other options; I've long since realized that. You could chain me to the wall, or keep constant video surveillance on me with someone watching for you, or maybe keep me locked in that cell with a computer for me to help you investigate—I don't much like these options, or any of the others I can think of, but the fact of the matter is that you __**were not forced**__ to chain me to you._

_And then there was that "I'm not doing this because I want to" statement._

_I know you, Ryuzaki. Better than you may realize. And when you don't __**want**__ to do something, and you don't __**have**__ to do something, you __**do not do it**__._

_Which means, of course, that you __**want**__ me chained to your wrist._

_Sorry, Ryuzaki, but I do not like men. And if I __**did**__ start liking men, you would __**not**__ be my first choice. Or my second, or my third, or my fourth, or any other number on my list. Even if you and I were the last people on earth, and I was on an ultra-strength aphrodisiac with my hands chopped off, I would not have sex with you._

_So take off the chain, bondage boy. _

_Moving on. _

_Reason number four._

_You rarely sleep. Which means __**I**__ rarely sleep. Occasionally you let me sleep all night, but most of the time, you type away on your laptop, or, better yet, don't even let me leave the investigation room. _

_More infuriating is how you keep me there._

_I tell you I want to go to bed. You say I can go, and then don't move. _

_I get up and start walking, oh-so-slowly. You still don't move._

_I ask you to get up. You say, "Light-kun is tired, but I am not. Is it not rude to drag someone to bed when they are not tired just because you want sleep?"_

_I say, "It's not when you need to drag them with you in order to get sleep at all."_

_Then you turn back to your work like I didn't say anything. _

_It makes me want to just rip your head off, but I control myself and sit back down. Any murder attempts would just put me in jail, anyway, not give me any peace. _

_But god it would feel good to break your neck sometimes._

_Reason number five. _

_Sometimes you actually make sense, and you actually seem kind, human. I start to like you, realize we're equals and that we can get along well together, that not all hope is lost._

_Then you grab that hope, wring its neck, throw it to the ground, and stomp the life out of it until its nothing but a flattened, bloody squirrel on the road that is my soul._

_You do this often. Daily, in fact. Nearly on the hour. _

_We strike up an interesting topic, I'm laughing, and I think you're starting to grin, a small twitch at the ends of your lips. We're friends, for a moment—then you connect it to Kira, and I'm punching you in the face. _

_It really sucks. Almost as much as you._

_So, let's review._

_1: You can't stop accusing me of being Kira._

_2: You are constantly eating, and very loudly. _

_3: You are a homosexual pervert who insists on chaining me to your wrist._

_4: You don't sleep, which means I can't sleep._

_5: Whenever you start to seem bearable, you bring back 1. _

_Conclusion: You suck. Immensely._

_I'm not even listing everything. I'm just running out of time before you get back, making me have to wrap up now._

_So screw you, Ryuzaki, you insomniac sugar freak. And, terribly sorry, but I do not mean that literally. _

_Sincerely, Light._

--

**Author's Notes:** It's sort of rambling at some parts, but since it's an anger exercise, that makes sense, yah? L's response is much more of a story than this one, Light's letter just says what bothers him. But L's... it's different.

Please review!


	2. Sincerely, Ryuzaki

Now it's L's turn. This is a direct response to Light's letter, so if you haven't read that... Well, I suppose you've probably read that, since this is technically the second chapter... Anyhow, on to the letter!

--

_Dear Light-kun._

_You suck… at hiding your angry letters. _

_Really now, Light-kun. I have surveillance cameras all over. Even if you hid your letter well, I'd know where you put it. But were you even trying? _

_The drawer of your dresser? I check it daily. I think you've even seen me do so. What a terrible hiding place._

_Anyhow, I found it, and I am responding to it in turn. Let me tell you some things you may like to know, Light-kun. _

_Of course I am going to accuse you of being Kira. I will do it weekly. I will do it daily. I will do it hourly. I will do it every second. I will not stop until you either confess or we find some undeniable proof that you are or are not Kira. _

_You know this, so I would normally say that you were being foolish to tell me how irritating it is, but you were saying that to take out your frustrations on me without me actually hearing it. Though there is a 35 chance that you wanted me to find this, since you hid it rather badly. _

_Miss you, Light-kun? Aren't you the arrogant one. Though perhaps, if you were to leave now, I would miss the cold of the manacle on my wrist, the young man on the other end there for me to pull around as I please. _

_I suppose, if/when you get off of this chain, I could get myself a large bag of sugar. It would weigh the same and be just as interesting and sporadic during conversation as you if I wrote "I'm not Kira" on the side of it. Not to mention easily replaceable and quite handy when I run out of other sugary substances. _

_Do you have a problem with the way I eat, Light-kun? I never realized. Perhaps I should change myself for you, as you're obviously important enough to make L change._

_Ah, yes, the bowl of whipped cream. I remember that night well._

_Do you remember, Light-kun, how you were so very tired that night, despite the hot tea you had only just drank? You had wanted caffeinated tea, to keep you awake, and I made it especially for you, Light-kun. That was no decaf._

_And yet the instant you laid down on the bed, you were out like a light. (Unintentional pun, but as I am writing in pen, I might as well ignore it and keep going.)_

_I am surprised you remember the whipped cream, really, considering you were so very tired. Do you also remember, Light-kun, that when you woke up, you felt sticky all over with no reasonable explanation?_

_Oh yes, Light-kun. Oh yes._

_Do you remember how disgusted you were that I had eaten all of that whipped cream, without leaving any on the side of that bowl?_

_Oh, no, I didn't miss a drop._

_I'll have you know I am quite healthy, Light-kun. Sometimes even I wonder how I do it. But then I remember how I do it, and no, I will not tell you. _

_It just takes mind power, Light-kun. Do you not have enough of that? That would explain your thighs. Though lovely, they are a bit thicker than the rest of you._

_Number three; I was wondering when you would bring this up, Light-kun. But what a tacky way of doing so._

_Really now, Light-kun. That was below you. A joke on homosexual oral sex?_

_I believe you only want me to suck, Light-kun. You do seem rather fixated on the word._

_But I suppose there were other options. And you being chained to the wall does sound terribly interesting. But in terms of efficiency, our wrists being chained together seemed best._

_Anyhow, our wrists being chained together isn't all that kinky. It's more a jail type of chain this way. If it were sexual, you would be chained to something else, or the chain would only be on your wrists. Or perhaps your ankles. Or maybe even both. _

_I wonder how you would look with your wrists chained to your ankles. Behind your back, of course, on a bed with you lying on your stomach, the chains taut and forcing you to bend slightly…_

_Hmm… That __**is**__ an interesting image._

_And the aphrodisiac sounds like a terrific idea, but I shall save that for later._

_But anyway, Light-kun, I am offended that you accuse me of being so perverted. And you again use an insult that's beneath you. "Bondage boy"?_

_Moving on to number four, as you so creatively titled it, Light-kun._

_I do just fine without sleep. You don't seem to do as well. I realize that you are a normal, healthy human being, Light-kun, but is it that difficult to get used to? Eat more sugar. It can only benefit you, if my personal experience is anything to go by._

_It's rather silly for you to quote me, Light-kun. Are you so bitter as to remember my responses word-for-word?_

_Why don't you simply try a different approach to getting me into bed? _

_I'm touched, Light-kun. You sometimes find me bearable? How very kind._

_With that, I believe I have appropriately responded to your "secret" letter. Now it is my turn. _

_Remember, again, the tea I make you on occasion. Doesn't it taste divine, Light-kun? Not as sweet as you expect me to make it, which is a pleasant surprise for you, and not too bitter either; the flavors melding fantastically, the scent invading your nostrils and driving you mad until your lips at last touch the hot ecstasy that is that first sip._

_After you're halfway through, you begin to feel drowsy once more. You ask me, "You didn't give me decaf, did you, Ryuzaki?"_

_I answer no, and sometimes show you the package to prove it._

_Satisfied, you go back to drinking, and soon you are nodding off against the kitchen counter. I allow you to stumble into the bedroom, where you collapse on top of the sheets and are out almost instantly. _

_When you wake up, you feel refreshed, and you have my tea again and again, clinging to those few hours of sleep that I usually deprive you of._

_You may wonder why I am telling you this. Perhaps you already know where this is going. For the sake of the argument, I will assume you are clueless._

_You see, Light-kun, when you hit those bed sheets is when the real fun begins._

_You sleep very deeply after you drink your tea, Light-kun. Very deeply indeed. _

_Did you know, Light-kun, that once you hit your REM cycle, you are intensely responsive to any and every touch? A brush, a kiss, a lick; all gets you writhing, but none wakes you. It's almost unnatural._

_How far have I gone while you were in this state of yours, when you are practically dead, yet oh-so-alive? I'll leave that to your imagination, Light-kun._

_And oh, will your imagination go wild, Light-kun. For you see, I, unlike you, will not leave this letter a "secret"._

_You will receive this. In fact, I shall hand deliver it, just as you are halfway through your drink tonight. _

_You will read it as you grow increasingly exhausted, and, as you read, increasingly alarmed._

_But will you remember reading it in the morning? We'll have to find that out when the time comes. In any case, you can't do anything about it, for I am L, after all._

_Enjoy your tea, Light-kun._

_Sincerely, Ryuzaki._

_--_

Author's Notes: L came out much... much... _much_ creepier than I had originally planned. Oo But really, he's probably not being entirely truthful in this... or is he? It's up to interpretation, I suppose... ku ku ku ku ku.

Please review!


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